This may surprise some folk who know me, but I have a vaunted opinion of myself and find no difficulty in second guessing the handiwork of the creator. I’m not a man of faith, particularly as the world devolves around me, but I can acknowledge that an Almighty Being is no less likely than a random amalgam of cosmic stuff becoming our planet. But for the sake of argument let us transport ourselves to Sunday school days and the certainty that God was real.
What the hell is with teeth?
Thirty-two individual teeth is the design concept, and I’ll acknowledge the brilliance of it after I hyperbolize my ideas. As a victim of lousy dental genetics I have suffered mightily from this – had beautiful primaries before the grotesque emergence of two fused teeth in the space for one. Naturally this mutation had to be yanked, and to this day I recall the dentist kneeling on my chest, yawing and twisting with both hands on the vise grips affixed to the offending choppers. Mom retained the grisly trophy for a few years, because Mom saved lots of weird crap, and after sporting a gap for a while I was presented with a false device with a single incisor that flipped in and out. Maintenance of the contrivance was a bitch but a small price to pay, as opposed to being Snaggle-Tooth Boy. and I was nearly thirty before I had enough insurance to replace it with a bridge.
Let’s circle back to the point – individual teeth are good in that it allows for shifting, and the loss of only one or two when one eats a foul ball, but think about the downside of all those gaps, places where everything we eat can burrow and fester throughout the day. I floss and brush and have for years but to no avail, my heredity has reduced me to about half of my divinely sanctioned functioning teeth. It keeps my weight down in that I can’t eat effectively, but not being a gastrophile it makes gestation twice the tedium. Of course my siblings and countless others have had similar unpleasant experiences, and this isn’t about me – just giving background before I present my alternative proposal.
The Hee-Haw Donkey.
I remember watching the show in the days when choices were far fewer, and the single sets of top and bottom teeth came to mind as my dental chaos progressed. Eliminating the gaps eliminates the inherent bacterial breeding grounds which have claimed so many teeth over the years, as well as my bizarre two-for-one front teeth experience. Anticipating the questions about shifting and fracturing, I figure as long as I’m dreaming why not replace hard and vulnerable enamel with tough, flexible, and regenerating cartilage, like our hair and fingernails? Sure this is mental mastrubation, but since the prevailing globalist view discounts God in favor of random chance and biological metamorphosis from one species to another, I thought I would put my order in early.